Drifting apart.

Dad warned me that friendships during high school and college would be fluid. I should have been better prepared for the bomb-shell that Thom dropped Thursday night. He has done a great deal of thinking and praying about this decision he says, and the short version is that he will not be going with us into the apartment next year. He’s decided that staying in on-campus housing will be better for him. I have been aware of his moods, and I know that he’s been feeling increasingly alone in the suite. Harry and I are growing together as a couple, and Sam isn’t averse to a little playing around with us every few days. All this has left Thom feeling like the odd-man-out, and while I understand that, I still think running away from his true sexuality isn’t going to do anything to ease his mind.  Sam has told Harry and I that all sexual interaction between the two of them has been over for some time.  So the original gang of four is becoming a new gang or four.

So the three of us still interested in the apartment have asked our friend Shawn, the lacrosse player, to join us. He’s supposed to be discussing this with his parents and presenting the savings we expect to realize when out from under the various expenses of living in the dorms.  Shawn is either gay or very strongly “gay-oriented-bisexual.”

On other fronts, the Chrysler has all new belts, hoses, plugs, distributor cap and rotor, plugs wiring harness, battery and battery cables. The engine turns freely by hand and all the valves are lifting and resetting properly. Fuel lines have been blown out and the gas tank has been cleaned. There was some arcane method of testing the timing chains for stretch by setting the engine at some reference point on the timing marks on the pulley and watching the distributor rotor swing when the engine was moved backwards. Our retired Chrysler mechanic assured us we were fine. The starter complained a little at being awakened after so long a sleep, but she did her duty and cranked the engine over without the coil wire and plugs so we’re hopeful that next weekend will see us actually running the engine. Harry is beside himself with excitement.  The exterior cleaned up very well with lots of elbow grease and TLC, and real Simonize wax. The interior needs some more work with leather preservatives and cleaners, although the carpets are in good shape with just some minor wear in the usual places at doors and under the pedals.

The girls? Marcie and Lillian are still trying to catch Harry and me. I should never have played around even a little bit with Marcie in the shower on that Sunday night after we’d painted.

I really appreciate everyones’ concern.

Contrary to rumor, or reports you may have read in “The National Enquirer” I have not been abducted by aliens, not have I fallen off the face of the Earth. Thank you for all the comments about the blog, and especially thank you for the personal letters you have sent to the GMail account. If you have written, and haven’t heard back from me yet, please try to keep in mind these things:

• Thousands more people read the blog than ever take the time to comment or follow publically, or whatever.
• The blog is generating an increasingly large volume of personal correspondence in the form of email.
• If I get a letter from a guy my age, or especially from a guy in high school or middle school who is genuinely seeking advice, then that letter gets prioritized over the rest. Sorry, that’s the way I do things.
• This blog IS NOT my only form of relaxation. On a campus this size there are literally dozens of interesting things to do once studying and other commitments are finished. Additionally, now that Harry and I are trying to carve time out of both our schedules to work on the Chrysler, to have some special personal time just for us, and to do a few “romantic” things together, time is becoming even more precious.
• I am a History major. I’m taking eighteen credits this semester. There are days when I have so much reading to get through, and so much to write for various classes that I think my eyes are going to fall out. Right now I have two priorities; Course work and my relationship with Harry. Yes, in that order. He would tell you the same about himself. It’s something we’ve discussed.

The reason I do not post personal pictures on the blog should be self-evident.  For the same reason there won’t be any pictures of the life we live, or the locale mentioned in the blog, or the garage behind the elderly ladies house, or the New Yorker. I’m sorry, but the world is filled with really odd individuals who seem to have a strange hobby of  “uncovering” the lives and locations of people they meet on blogs and MySpace. There are also people who like to steal photos and personal pics and then invent new lives for themselves on the Net.

I had a personal friend who made the grave mistake of posting a personal picture as an avatar, and the results on campus were nearly disastrous. Never again. Besides, who has time to manage Facebook, MySpace, a blog, and Twitter? As if anyone is interested in all that! 

Well, enough for tonight. i will do my best to catch up on emails shortly, and also post the work weekend saga.

Sam and I are going to Harry’s for Thanksgiving.

Brief update

Things have been busy since mid-terms.  I’m sorry that I haven’t had much time to transcribe the daily journal into blog pages, but course work seems to be taking up nearly all my “desk time” and naturally there are other things on campus that demand time as well.

This weekend Harry and i are hosting his friend from the summer camp job, Ben and Ben’s sort-of-boyfriend Vic. They have an odd relationship; not boyfriends exactly, but more like really good fuck-buddies. Things got pretty interesting in our room this morning, with both couples watching the other. It was like being in a gay porn movie and watching one at the same time. No trading back and forth, but each couple stopping periodically to watch the other two was erotic as hell.

A few other updates:

THOM, SAM, THINGS IN GENERAL: Thom is basically oriented towards Jackie now. There have been nights when Sam and Thom suggest some ”blanket activities” and Harry and I have declined. Thom has drifted towards girls, and Sam is left sort of “partnerless” which has caused him to turn towards Harry and I.   Harry and I did share with Sam one night since the rearrangement of the roommates while Thom was off with Jackie. I have backed totally off from Thom as far as advice giving is concerned. I’m there for him and he knows this and if he asks then I’ll give him my thoughts.  When we got word that Ben wanted to visit, Harry and I had a serious talk about either of us sleeping with other boys and we agreed that like with Thom and Sam, we would play around together with a third or a fourth guy if the situation presented itself. That’s what lead to the night with Sam. Ben then called back and asked if he could bring Victor, and that’s been fun. Ben and Vic are a little more out and open with their sexuality than Harry or I, but they’re still really nice guys. Meeting them embarrassed Thom and he’s been very scarce in the rooms since they arrived.

THE CHRYSLER: Harry and I got the garage wired for electricity with got four double-tube fluorescent fixtures mounted and two wall outlets wired up. We run an extension cord to the exterior outlet box on the rear deck of the house when we need electricity. We got the earth and gravel cleared from in front of the doors and the doors repaired and they now swing all the way open. We got four inner tubes and have so far got the front two wheels repaired and pumped up. Let me tell you, installing inner tubes in those tires was a majorly difficult job! It was a bitch popping those tires off the rims with big screwdrivers and crowbars. The girls wanted to know why we didn’t just take the wheels to a tire place and let them do the work. We thought that would be cheating somehow. But the car looks better sitting up. Next weekend we plan on doing the rear wheels and having a grand roll-out and washing and waxing… weather and study work loads permitting.  Through the local Chrysler dealership we have been in contact with a retired Chrysler certified mechanic who actually remembered the previous owner and this particular car. Whoo-hoo! He’s give us a load of helpful information and a list of things to do before we use the starter to crank the engine. Harry and I have to keep reminding ourselves and each other that the New Yorker is only a hobby, and we have lots of time to work on her.

THE GIRLS, THE WORK WEEKEND, AND ALL THAT: The work weekend went off very well, after Thom got past his little sulk and we all started pulling and working together. The girls did come through with majorly great meals and although they didn’t do any of the actual work on the porch and the steps, they cave lots of encouragement… and…um… benefits. Thom and Sam said that they both had very nice benefits from Carly and Jackie. Harry and I managed to escape the clutches of Lillian and Marcie. I’ll post all about that in a few days once the journals are transcribed. But the porch is finished, the rear steps were rebuilt, the elderly ladies think we’re golden, and the girls love us. It got a little dicey there in the apartment on Sunday night with Marcie when she surprised me naked in the shower and came onto me. I nearly just said “the hell with it” and let her get me into bed, but then luckily decided not to open that can of worms. But everyone’s reps survived intact and I played along with things for the sake of the others. Long story; soon to appear in the blog…

Harry and I are checking out possibilities of my working at the summer camp with him this coming season. There’s no way he could be hired at the marina, and I think I’m ready for a change of scenery from there anyway. If the economy keeps tanking there might not be a job at the marina anyway.

Okay… the four of us are off to breakfast-brunch-lunch or whatever. I’ve never understood if a late breakfast/early lunch is called brunch, would a late breakfast/early dinner be called lunner? Dunch? Lundin?

He’s WELSH!

We were talking about family histories and exchanging information, and it turns out nearly his whole family is Welsh!  Some of his relations have been in the Welsh Guards! We’re making plans to visit Britain because as soon as I heard this my blood rose and I felt the need to return. I’ve been to Great Britain four times, and I’m totally ready to go back again! His parents have been over to see their family but he hasn’t. Well, we’re going! Maybe not for a couple of years, but we’re going! Wales is a totally cool part of the British Isles, and one of my favorite parts to visit. They also have awesome narrow gauge steam railways operating there, but that’s just icing on the cake.

Harry dug around in one of his storage boxes and hauled out this awesome Welsh flag with the red dragon in the center and we hung it up, and so I got out my Scottish St. Andrew’s flag, and we hung that up too. He asked me to put on my kilt, and then he wanted me to stand there in nothing but the kilt and the sporran, and then things got out of control. God, I love this man!

 

So here’s to Wales… land of heroes and poets!

 

 

 

Relationships… if only life had come with an instruction book.

Naturally, all the things that have happened since the return to college in mid-August have been playing and replaying through my head, and it seems each day that passes adds yet another dimension to the whole set of issues.

The blog that I have been posting to has been both a boon and a bane. A boon in that it has allowed me to in a sense “verbalize” a lot of things that would normally be held inside me, and a bane because I have opened my self and my actions up to the sometimes harsh criticism of strangers. Some of the criticism has been good, most hasn’t. Through all of it, I haven’t deleted or failed to allow any comments. I feel that if I’m foisting my opinions onto you, you have the right to give me the benefit of yours. I have also been the recipient of a number of personal emails on the matter of Thom-Sam-Harry-Jeff. All of those were read; some got replies, some will get replies, and some won’t. My time is becoming increasingly constrained with college course work and research papers, and just general college life like campus events and concerts and the like. Now, with Harry and I needing to find time to work on the Chrysler now and then, time is even more precious. 

A lot of things have been said about Thom’s upbringing and the physical abuse he endured from his father. Some suggestion has been made that he might have been sexually abused as well, but although I have asked him about that privately and in the gentlest and most compassionate way I can, he denies that anything like that happened. Some suggestions have also been made that because of his dysfunctional family and his abusive past Thom might not have been competent to give consent to sexual activity. 

That’s a great theory to advance with the benefit of hindsight. You know, when a person goes to a physician, that person displays certain symptoms that are more or less physically apparent, and also describes how he is feeling. The physician makes various judgments based upon what the patient “presented with.” Well, friendships are similar. We make judgments about others as potential friends and engage in our actions with them based upon what “they present with.” If everyone stopped to fully psychoanalyze every other person they meet for fear of involuntarily hurting their feelings somehow, then human interaction would drop to zero. 

Eventually, Thom would have lost his virginity to somebody, male or female, at some point in time. Was he emotionally and mentally competent to give permission for us to become sexually active with one another? I don’t know. He certainly didn’t seem unbalanced at the time. Bashful, shy, uncertain… yes. But he was a very willing pupil. 

At some point in time Thom would have had to face up to the issues he has about sexuality, his feeling towards his father, his resentment for the physical abuse he suffered, and his inability to make friends. Some person, some where, some time would have sparked some internal flame inside Thom that would have led to a confrontation like we had had. The fact that I was in the right place at the right time to create that confrontation was, in my very personal opinion, Thom’s great good fortune. He could have fallen into the hands of someone less sympathetic, and been further rejected. I don’t know of many guys who would have shown the patience and forbearance that I have shown for a year and a half. 

But even the most loving of friends, the most patient and forbearing of men, reach a point where their own feelings are in such a state of turmoil and their own heart is being repeatedly ripped out and stomped upon that they say “Enough!  I must speak, and you must listen. This state of affairs has gone on long enough, and it is now time for you to face the demons and decide which road you are going to take. It is time to shit or get off the pot; fish or cut bait.” 

To use an analogy I used with the three of them… “ If it looks like a duck, and has feathers like a duck, and quacks like a duck, and has webbed feet like a duck and a beak like a duck… then it is a duck!” 

I’m sorry Thom, but straight boys don’t generally tell other boys how much they missed sucking cocks. It think the latest crisis we went through was due to Thom having to face up to who and what he is. He’s not ready for that, obviously, so now he’s got another enabler in the person of Sam who will help him pretend a while longer that he’s “really just straight and curious and horny.” 

I’m sorry, but when Thom and I started our sexual exploration together I didn’t think to ask if he’d been beaten, or sexually abused, or how vulnerable he thought he was. Nobody asks those questions, and if they did they probably wouldn’t get honest answers anyway. I can say that Thom and I had become friends and confidants long before the sex started. I knew Thom was sexually inexperienced and very conflicted about sex, and I never pushed him further than he was willing to go. I never lead further than he was willing to follow. Our sexual relationship was a gradually progression, one step at a time. 

But having read several comments about myself and my actions with Thom, and other comments that to a greater or lesser degree implied that Thom had been taken advantage of, and therefore harmed in some way, made me go back and carefully think about just how it all started. I also wanted to go back to see if there was, at any time, some definite place where I could have said, “This dude is totally verruecktet in the head.” There wasn’t any such place or time. 

The only imbalance Thom ever displayed was in the fence-straddling between gay and straight. When he was horny and wanted sexual release, he was gayer than springtime in Paris. When he was not horny he was telling me how straight he was and talking about what he’d do to a girl. If anybody has a right to say they’ve been driven crazy in all this, it’s me. 

Back in the summer of 2008 when the Housing Office here paired up Thom and I as prospective roommates, I immediately wrote to him and introduced myself. I didn’t mention my sexual orientation. I sent details of my life, my family, my schooling and the area where I lived. I mentioned my athletic interests, hobbies like model ships and WWI aircraft, and out of doors pastimes like sailing, swimming, hunting, fishing and backpacking. I made a short video about my daily life, working at the marina and sailing, swimming in the pool, my parents, my brothers, et cetera. I think the reasons for not telling him about my homosexuality were both conscious and subconscious. On the face of it, I knew I wanted Thom to see that I was just another normal guy. I wanted him to like me before I told him the truth about myself.

Subconsciously I had always known that I was a bright and gregarious guy, with an ability to make acquaintances easily. I knew that I had a good personality, and was generally optimistic and cheerful and fun to be with. I knew that I was nice looking, and I had heard that girls thought I was cute. I would be disingenuous to say otherwise. I can say that I tried not to let comments like that go to my head, and I tried to not use my looks to get unfair advantages over others. All through school guys seemed to want to be my friends and I knew I was the center of a small group of men with similar senses of humor and political views and outlooks of life. Some of those guys were gay, some bisexual and some straight. We had enough else in common that the sexuality of an individual didn’t seem to matter.  

But my very private life, my gayness, was something I kept personal and private. My straight friends don’t make a point of telling me that they are straight, so I didn’t think they needed to hear about my own sexuality. I never really hid it; I just didn’t parade it back and forth. All my close friends, the ones in that group, knew about me and I knew about them. Circle jerks in high school start the same way ours did in college; with porn DVD’s or some sex banter and talk, or one dude boning up in front of the others. Something sparks the action. All of us back in school had been in one or more circle jerks, and most of them had been one-on-one with me. Even the “straight” ones. 

In school I got to be fairly good at judging guys openness to some sexual fooling around. Not just the guys in the group but guys outside the circle as well. I also learned various ways to get guys “sexed up” and horny so that the power of suggestion might fall on more receptive and fertile ground. I never at any time felt like I was a predator or that I was taking advantage of those guys. I didn’t feel that I was manipulating them or their feelings. 

I made things seem easy and natural and just fun, and I never pushed or got guys drunk or stoned so I could have my way with them. We were all horny teenagers and if watching porn DVD’s got some guys aroused and ready, then it was easy to gently lead them into a little experimentation. It always started with jerking off in front of each other. Then maybe some mutual masturbation. After that things went as far as they were willing to go. I always kept things light and fun and not heavy and too gay. Some guys said no, most guys were eager to play around. Some guys played once or twice and never again, but most guys who played once came back for more. And often. 

I think most of them came back because they felt comfortable around me, and that I wasn’t trying to “make them gay” or lay any kind of love or relationship stuff onto them. Sex was great, it’s totally fun, let’s do it!  Sex with me was easier than trying to get into a girl’s panties, and a lot less expensive and a lot less trouble. 

So to return to that summer between high school and freshman year. Thom and I exchanged a few letters and once we had established contact. He had given me more information about himself similar to what I had given him. Then I wrote a very heartfelt letter specifically about my sexuality. I told Thom that I knew I was interested in males from about age eight, and although I didn’t tell him about my brothers, I did say that I had been sexually active with boys since that time. I stressed that I would never intentionally do anything that would make him uncomfortable in the dorm, or suggest we do anything against his own principles or morals, and I guaranteed him that he would be free from any sexual suggestions or harassments. I told him I was looking for a roommate who was congenial, quiet, relatively sober, and definitely not into or interested in the drug culture. 

I meant what I said. I would never push or make unwanted suggestions to Thom, and I kept that pledge after we became roommates, and I’ve kept it ever since. 

Thom wrote back virtually by return email. He assured me that my being gay didn’t matter to him in the least. He did say that he was glad I wasn’t “obviously gay or out about it.” He said he was totally looking forward to becoming roommates with me, and that he felt he knew me very well already.  At several points throughout that letter Thom self-identified as being straight. I believed him because I had no reason not to do so. 

We moved in, and over that first insane month of freshman year we gradually got to know each other better and better. We both found that we really did like each other. Like I had done in high school and previously, I made acquaintances easily at college and was getting to know lots of people. I started cruising the campus the first day we moved in. I would see a guy looking at me, make eye contact, watch to see if his eyes dropped to the crotch… ah ha! Meet his eyes again and hold the look. Grin I little, and if he grins back; wink and watch the reaction. Go up and start talking. That’s basically all there is too it. Maybe you get lucky and maybe you don’t. All this bullshit gay boys put themselves through, gazing wistfully at some guy for weeks and then chickening-out about talking to him. No wonder their sex lives are nothing but Colonel Thumb and his four troopers. And all this bullshit about falling in love from a distance! And the bullshit about that guy being “the boy of my dreams!” There are guys out there ready willing and able to have sex with you, but you won’t find them by wistful wanting from a safe distance. Every boy you sleep with isn’t going to be Mr. Perfect or Mr. Right, or Mr. The-Love-Of-Your-Life. 

Once I started bringing guys back to the room to play with, Thom and I established a code on the note board hanging on our door. An X with a circle around it in a certain corner meant the room was being used for private entertainment. Most definitely “do not disturb!” I used this signal regularly when I would come home with a boy and Thom was out. If Thom was home and we walked in, Thom always made some excuse and left. You might remember that I mentioned a certain lacrosse player, Shawn, and there were others. Some boys would do more than others. Some needed a little coaxing to try new things. I was surprised to find that lots of guys had thought about gay sex all through adolescence but had never acted on the desires. I always used the term “hooking-up” with guys I met. I never said I loved them, and they didn’t go all dreamy eyed after we’d finished. “Hooking-up” meant exactly that; a temporary physical coupling. A few of the guys because regular “dates” for sex, especially Shawn.

 I don’t feel that what I did with those other men was shallow or all that impersonal. I dated a few guys, went out with them, dinner and movies and the usual things. Eventually we decided we weren’t going to be boyfriends and we drifted into other relationships. 

There was no circled X on the board one night when I walked into our room. I was obviously home much earlier than Thom had expected to see me. The second I opened the door I saw him at his desk looking at computer porn and masturbating. He had the mouse in his right hand and was using his left hand on his cock, and had his pants shucked half way down his thighs. It was a pretty hot scene. Thom was intensely embarrassed, nearly to the point of tears it seemed. I backed out of the room with apologies and came back an hour later. He was sitting at the desk, and I noticed a wad of wet looking tissues in the wicker trash basket we have.  Before he could open his mouth to start all the apologies again, I assured him I didn’t think he was dirty or immoral and I wasn’t angry or disgusted at all. 

We had an adult discussion about boys’ needs and all the sexual pressures boys feel, and frequency of masturbation, and other sexual things. I told him frankly and openly that I jacked off at least once a day if I hadn’t had a boy for a few days. I said I was tired of hiding in the bathroom to do it. I told him that I thought the bathroom was too clinical and it made me feel like I was donating to a sperm bank. That made him laugh, and the mood lightened in the room. 

Thom told me about the attitude his parents had about sex; that anything outside of marriage was sinful. Masturbation was dirty and sinful, and the Bible said so. They felt the same about having sexual relations before marriage. Thom was embarrassed to tell me his parents thought gays were tools of Satan, and were surely destined for hell. I told him of my thoughts on religion, and that sex was like any other gift, it was ours to be enjoyed. I tried to be respectful of his parent’s religious beliefs without giving in on any points. I did tell him I had no patience with those who used the Bible to “prove” things and who read the Bible as the literal and inerrant word of God.

He returned to the talk about jacking off in the room.  I looked him in the eye and told him it would mean a lot to me if the two of us could be at ease with each other. I said we both do it, so it shouldn’t be something we had to hide from the other. We both agreed that we would be okay with jerking off with the other guy in the room. Thom acted as if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He agreed that we should feel free to take care of things when the need arose. 

This is what started joint masturbation sessions. Actually, after a few days he suggested that we not be so self-conscious about it. In the few days between my walking in on him and our mutual decision to jack off in front of each other, if one of us felt the need then we would say something, and the other could go up on his bunk and face the wall, or turn away and read. We both masturbated to computer porn.

And so, one night a few weeks into this new openness, we were sitting at the computers doing homework or writing something for class work. We had arranged the room so that the desks were against one wall facing one another and together. He stopped typing and was looking at me, and eventually I noticed this, and asked him what’s up. He grabbed his crotch and said “this thing has been up all night.” I asked if he wanted me to give him some privacy or go up on the bunk and he asked me if I was in the same condition. I admitted I wasn’t hard but I was feeling kind of itchy, and when he was done, I’d take care of things. Thom looked at me a few seconds and then suggested we just go ahead and do it right there, and stop worrying about seeing the other guy doing it. Naturally, I agreed! 

Gradually we drifted into a nightly scenario of each of us at our desks facing each other over laptop screens. We would each be watching our own brand of porn, and jacking off in front of each other. I knew this sexual openness and freedom was completely foreign to Thom, and exciting for him. I knew he was having a lot of first-time experiences of freedom in college and I thought he might be open to suggestions about sexual exploration. Always in the back of my mind was the promise I’d made to him about pressure and suggesting things he might find offensive. I had to be very careful about what I suggested and how I suggested it. 

We had become increasingly open about our sexual histories. I told Thom about my brothers, and how we had sex together. Thom really didn’t have much sexual history to tell about. He had always thought masturbation was so terrible, and went to great lengths to hide any evidence; like flushing the sperm filled tissues down the toilet. One night he mentioned that in middle school he and a friend had “touched each other’s things” and then “done it.” I asked him what that meant and he said they had jacked each other off. I told him every boy does that, and not to worry about it.  

This across-the-desks masturbation continued for a week or so when he brought up the middle school incident again. He said it had happened lots of times and not just once. Again, I assured him it was something all boys do, and a little experimentation with a buddy didn’t mean he was gay. I told him that even if it had gone beyond mutual hand-jobs it still didn’t make him gay.  I was really surprised when he said that he “wouldn’t mind trying that again.” He asked me if I would be interested in trying it with him “you bein’ gay and all I thought maybe you’d wanna do it.” 

While we were developing all this between us naturally our college experiences had been progressing at other levels as well. We gathered friends around us, and did the party scene, and hosted parties of our own. I met another guy in one of my classes named Sam, and through Sam I had met his roommate Harry.  I introduced those two to Thom, and then the four of us gradually grew very tight as friends. 

On all college campuses things pretty much run the same way. Two people unknown to each other are thrust together as roommates. It’s both an experiment in tolerance and a test of how maturely the two people are able to settle the routine problems that evolve from being together in a 12×15 foot box. Some roommates develop an aversion to each other that’s poisonous and they can’t wait to be separated at the end of the semester or year. Some roommates get along more-or-less with greater or lesser difficulties of adjustment, and they eventually learn to tolerate one another without becoming true friends. The two guys who shared our bathroom during freshman year were like that.  They roomed together, but they weren’t really tight as friends. Both of those guys impressed me as very ego-centered and more or less loners.  Usually roommates like those don’t last longer than freshman year. By the end of freshman year most guys and girls have a set of friends established, and new roommates are selected from those ranks. Then there are pairs of guys and girls who seem to instantly bond from the day they meet, and not only are roommates but are best of friends, and confidants, and grow tighter together as the semester progresses. 

That is the relationship that Thom and I developed, and that’s what Harry and Sam shared as well. I think, in retrospect, that Thom would have bonded with his roommate no matter what, just because he has such trouble making friends and a roommate is a kind of captive friend from the very beginning. 

But I really liked Thom and wanted to get to know him. So we became “close.” Maybe Thom sensed something in himself that was responding to my sexuality and openness. But I did sense a sexual tension and interest in him. I also felt that same sexual tension, and curiosity in Harry and Sam.  That’s the bond that drew all four of us together I think. We all sensed something in the others. I also felt early in our friendship that all three of the other guys were bisexual to greater or lesser degree, and while they may not have known that in those early days much less been able to acknowledge it, it is another thing that we all felt towards one another, even if we felt it subconsciously. The frequency of the circle jerks both in the dorm rooms and at the beach house, and the enthusiasm with which they are entered into sort of bears that out. 

Early on, I had told Harry and Sam about myself, and they weren’t fazed at all by that announcement. I mentioned that I wasn’t publicly out and didn’t advertise that, and to my knowledge they haven’t mentioned my orientation to anyone else. I was “normal” in all respects, and they treated me like I was just another guy they knew. As we all became more and more comfortable around each other, Sam would point at some nice looking guy on campus and ask if I “would do him.” Sometimes Harry or Sam would tease me about looking at some hot guy, and might say something like “you two-timing bitch you never look at me that way.” There was never a nasty edge to anything and I never took offence. It was just friends teasing each other. For my part I might make some comment about muff-diving or “indoor versus outdoor plumbing.” 

I did notice one thing about the relationship that Thom and I had together. Our friends were originally my friends. In other words, I would make some acquaintance, either a guy or a girl, and then gradually get to know them and introduce them to Thom. I can’t recall a single instance of Thom introducing a friend into our relationship or into the group of four guys which later developed. I think it was because I was much more open and easy going than Thom, and made friends very easily. 

After we’d been jacking each other off for a while, Thom came home from a date with a girl and seemed more frustrated than usual. I was looking at some gay erotica on my laptop, with one dude blowing another one. I was hard, and I think that was noticeable in my underpants, but I wasn’t jacking off. He kept talking and wandering around the room, and looking over my shoulder at the screen.  It was as if the action on the screen was a magnet, drawing his attention. The boy on his knees was really getting into his partner, and feeling his balls and using his hand on the lower part of the other boy’s cock. It was pretty good for Internet freebie porn. Thom was standing right behind my chair watching this boy get sucked off and I could hear a steady brushing noise that I assumed was made by him stroking his erection through the material of his pants. 

“What’s a guy gotta do to get one of those?” He asked in a near whisper. 

“Just ask politely.” I said. 

“Would you suck me off?” he asked. I turned the chair around, and unbuckled and unzipped his pants and his hard-on popped through the opening with the head of his cock marked by a wet spot in his briefs. I pushed his pants and briefs all the way to the floor. He got the best blow job I could give, and when he ejaculated his knees sagged a little, and his fingers were twisted in my hair and he was whispering how great it was that I would do that for him. 

It became a regular thing with us. He would return from someplace or from some date with a girl and we’d go through a little ritual of him acting nervous, and we would talk about how horny he was. He would hem and haw, and I would wait to see if he bring himself to ask for what he wanted. Some nights he would ask on his own, and others he had trouble getting over the hurdle of his reservations. On those nights I would say “just ask politely” and that broke the logjam in his mind and he would ask, and I’d suck him off.  

I often hinted that it would be nice to have a blow job in return but he didn’t offer. I only suggested this, and never made it a condition of doing it for him. We got to the point where we’d take our clothes off first and I would run my hands all over him while I blew him; and he really got off on that. Then I asked if he would jack me off while I blew him. He agreed that was fair and so we started that. I kept hinting about mutual blow jobs, and he didn’t offer anything in return. I was totally surprised one night after we’d stripped he said “Okay…we can do each other if you wanna.” So we got into the sixty-nine position on the floor our sides and that’s the first night he had another boy’s cock in his mouth. He didn’t want me to ejaculate in his mouth that first time, but after a few times he got past that hang-up too. 

Then the blow jobs became a little more mutual. Not always, but most of the time, we “would do each other.” I never pushed him to blow me, and was grateful for what I was getting. I always allowed Thom to take the lead and establish that night’s rules. 

When I would have another boy in the room, and he had to wait, I noticed he was always curious about what I’d been doing with the guy, and was the guy straight, and did I “like doin’ it with straight guys” like Thom. By this time I was beginning to silently wonder just how straight Thom really was, but I didn’t throw this in his face, and continued to be his “surrogate pussy” when he struck out with a girl, which was all the time. 

This basic set of sexual playing around continued up to, and then resumed after, our winter break. The first night we were back at college we sixty-nined without really talking about it first. “I’ve been thinkin’ about us blowin’ each other for five hundred miles, how ‘bout it?” He’d said. That was it. Again, Thom took the lead in re-establishing a sexual contact. 

Then we went through the Great Tattoo Crisis together, and then shortly after that he was out on “a date” and I was in the room with the lacrosse player. We had a pretty intense session; Shawn had sucked me off and then fucked the hell out of me. Mr. Lacrosse left, and I was still lying on the bunk naked feeling very satisfied. Thom came home slightly inebriated almost on the heels of the boy I had sex with. They most likely passed in the hallway. He sniffed elaborately and wanted to know “what the fuck have you been doin’ in here?” I told him in graphic detail what I’d been doing and he replied that he didn’t “get what you guys see in stickin’ your dick up some dude’s asshole.” Then he hemmed and hawed around a minute or two and said “how about you lemme fuck you so I know what it’s like.” 

I knew the bourbon was doing some of the talking. But he was standing there rubbing a serious hard-on in his jeans, and I told him if he fucked me, then I was going to fuck him. He agreed, and he was just drunk enough that I had to really hold his head up and look into his eyes to make sure he understood what I was saying and that he really understood exactly what was going to happen.  In retrospect, I should have let him sleep it off. I’m not proud of what happened, but the way we were going it would have happened with him eventually anyway, drunk or sober. 

I got some condoms and we stripped, and I lay on my back with a pillow under me. I got him into position, got a condom on him and put my ankles on his shoulders. He entered me with one thrust, and I was lucky that Shawn had been much larger than Thom or it would have hurt me more than it did. But Thom was bucking away, and supporting himself on his hands on either side of my chest, and seemed to really enjoy fucking a boy for the first time. Hell, as far as I knew it was the first time he’d ever fucked anybody! 

It took him a long time to cum. When he spermed off, he collapsed on top of me and I held him. He told me how good it felt and how much he liked it. I gently reminded him of the second act. He tried to get out of it and make excuses but I wasn’t hearing any of it. I reminded him that he’d given his word; a fuck for a fuck, and was he going to welsh out on that? He said no, and I could fuck him. We went through the usual stuff about being gentle and going slow. I rolled him off me and got him on his belly with the pillow under his abdomen and that cute furry tight ass of his in the air. I squirted some lube into his crack and massaged the opening and got first one and then two fingers into him, with him moaning and whining the whole time about how much it hurt. I did take a lot of time trying to get him loose. Gods know he was greasy enough when I was finished. 

I entered him with much less force than he had used on me, I stopped when the head of my cock passed his sphincter, and went into him very gently. I told him all the things about pushing out and opening up. He still yelled “yeowwww” very loudly and he was squealing and put his hands back to try and push me out. I grabbed his wrists and held his arms over his head. I pushed in slowly, and let him get used to it, and just went at him. After a few minutes of steady fucking I leaned down and bit his shoulder and told him if he would just relax, it would actually feel great. I stopped moving with my cock all the way in him and said it again. I could feel his body relax a little, and his sphincter relaxed around my cock. I moved up a bit to try and get my cock rubbing against his prostate and started fucking him again. This time there was just heavy breathing and a moan or two out of him, and I finished and spermed off as gently as I could. 

Afterwards, we talked and he agreed that “it wasn’t so bad.” That’s when we started big-boy sex together. Not all the time, but lots of times. He still likes oral sex better, both giving and getting. I never pushed for the sex to be equal after that first time fucking him. As long as he was allowing me to fuck him once in a while, I let him fuck me whenever he wanted me. I have to say that he never left me hanging either. Not once. He’d fuck me, and either suck me off all the way, or suck me and then work me off with his hand. Once he had fucked me and the edge was off his sexual arousal, I usually got the blow job with a hand finish. If he did me first, while he was still really hot for sex, then I’d get sucked off all the way.  I’m used to that with guys. Even in gay guys sometimes. With some guys once they cum they temporarily lose interest in sex. 

By then I loved Thom, and thought I should be falling “in love” with Thom, but he constantly identified as being straight, and constantly tried to get dates with girls. He did get a lot of dates; they just never ended like he wanted them to end. We went to parties too during this time. I would hook up with a boy and go off and trade blow jobs, or go to the dorms and fuck, but Thom always seemed ambivalent about just hooking up. So “falling in love with Thom” wasn’t something I was going to let happen if I could help it. It was too risky and too uncertain, and he wasn’t even sure about his own sexual identity. I loved him without being in love with him. 

Then we were invited to the beach house for the first time with Sam and Harry. You all know what happened there, and continued to happen there until very recently.  Thom meanwhile was still saying he is “straight.” The other two were insisting they’re straight. 

This whole time, all last year and now again this year, I’ve let Thom set the pace and I’ve gone along with helping him preserve that fragile self-image he has of being a straight boy who is in this for the sex alone. AsI gradually came to the personal conclusion that Thom wasn’t straight I began to contradict his opinions about his sexuality and offer my own opinions. Again… if it looks like a duck, it is a duck.

In retrospect I think Thom might have been looking more for affection than sex. Maybe looking more for a positive male relationship then the one he had with his father. He had told me something about his family life and it had been very harsh. He had been thrashed with his father’s belt for even minor infractions, and several times his buttocks had welts to the point of bleeding. I do know for a fact that college for him was an oasis of freedom, not only physical experimentation with sex, but also I could see his mind expanding and pulling in new ideas and ways of thinking. All this set up a constant battle within himself; the new ideas and new situations at loggerheads with his traditionally instilled ways of thinking. We had long discussions about religious beliefs and sex between males. I never shoved anything down his throat, I just talked and laid out my personal feelings and beliefs for him to see and accept if he agreed with them. I gave him things to read and Internet connections to pursue. 

Several people wrote to me publicly and privately about my anger and the threats I had said to Thom’s face about his father. I am not a violent person, and my temper, when it does appear dissolves very fast and nearly always without violent expressions. I’ve never been in fist fight. I don’t hold grudges. If you hurt me you usually get a second chance at my friendship, and if you hurt me again then you’re just written off and I don’t think about you anymore. 

But I’m a human being, and I do have anger at certain things. The physical abuse of children is one thing that lights me off virtually instantaneously.  Would I really have chained Thom’s father in the hay loft and set the barn on fire? Probably not, and Thom knew this. 

But you can bet the mortgage on this; if I find out that Thom was indeed sexually abused, then maybe you will read some interesting headlines coming out of that part of the state. I promise you I will not let the matter rest and if I have to inform Child Protective Services myself I won’t hesitate to do so. I have no patience with child molesters. 

Do I love Thom? 

Yes. I really do love Thom. It’s now a fraternal love and no longer an erotic love. On that fraternal level it’s a brotherly love, and the love that I will have for him forever. A love based on so many shared experiences. As I wrote, you can’t live with another male in a dorm room for a year and not get to know them in the most personal and intimate way. We nursed each other through illnesses, and hangovers, and the flu and pulled muscles and all the petty disappointments. We shared the smaller and greater triumphs too. We know each other, and we liked each other before the sex happened between us. 

Thom is not the love of my life. There were luminous periods in the history of our friendship where I thought I was falling in love with Thom, but then he’d reverse course, and the spark would die out. There were periods where I felt I wanted to fall in love with Thom, and when I felt I should be in love with him.  I hope we will remain the best of friends and be tight all through college. I hope Thom will share the apartment with the rest of us. But the special relationship, the sexual relationship that Thom and I shared is over. I think I have been as patient as any man alive would have been with the waffling around and the uncertainty and the roller coaster nature of that part of our friendship. 

Have I been lecturing Thom or hectoring him? Have I been too forceful in pushing my own opinions? Maybe, but I don’t think so.  But again, I’m a human being and life doesn’t come with a book of instructions. I know I tried to give Thom the best advice I could and in the nicest way I could.  I know several older men who were in Thom’s position when they were his age. Gay; and scared of it or too worried about family expectations, or society’s expectations, or whatever. I know they now feel they made mistakes in getting married to women. 

If Thom was drunk, and I saw him get into a car, I would stop him and read the riot act and keep his car keys, and everyone would applaud that act. Well, from where I sit I see Thom fighting his true sexual orientation. I see him beginning to set himself up for a lifetime of failed sexual relationships with women and failed friendships with others. How can I not intervene as strongly as I am able to do so? 

You see, I have been naked with Thom; we have given of our bodies as fully as two males can do so, and we have received the gift of the other’s body in return. What Thom and I once shared went way beyond any adolescent experimentation to satisfy some ill-defined curiosity. 

The bottom line is that I know Thom, and you don’t. 

When I see a boy I fraternally love preparing to make a train wreck of his life and his future happiness, then what kind of friend would I be if I did not try to advice, and warn, and caution?  If I have advised too forcefully, or warned too forcefully, or over cautioned then I will have to live with the possibility of the loss of his friendship. But I will have the knowledge that I not only led by the example of my life as a “happy healthy homosexual” but that I did the best I could to give the best advice I could. 

Perhaps if I did not love Thom all this would have been so much easier. Perhaps if I did not love Thom as deeply as I do I would have given up long ago? 

But I seem to be cursed with not only an open and very forgiving heart but with great tenacity as well. I’ve never given up easily on anything least of all my friends. 

Now there’s a new person in my life. A person sure of his own desires and able to say so. A person who wants me, and desires me, and needs me with the same depth of passion I now want, desire and need him. It is, truly, like flying. 

I’m sorry if this is a little disjointed and awkward to read. Some of it you may have read before in another posting. So this is an amalgam of thoughts and emotions new and old. My heart was speaking, and that can be difficult to control.

Mid-terms… and we all did well in spite of everything.

Thom is taking eighteen credits as a math major, and got three “A’s” and three “B’s” on mid-term exams. Harry is taking eighteen credits as a physics major, and got five “A’s” and one “B” on his mid-terms. Sam, our English major is taking fifteen credits and got five “A’s” on exams. I’m the history major taking eighteen credits, and I only had five exams and managed to get five “A’s” in them. Admittedly one was earned by the skin of my teeth, but an “A” is still an “A.” The one class without a mid-term is one where we have weekly essays to write, and I’m carrying an “A” average on those.

So we all did pretty well given the amount of stress our friendships and relationships are undergoing at the present time.

Soggy underpants in the morning… but it didn’t stop the matinee… Jackie doesn’t know she’s being teased… Footsies and licentiousness in the library and then it’s doggy style in the dorm. “Arf, Arf”… Good dog!

Since the fall semester started, it had become our habit to have a first mug of coffee together in the dorm rooms. We have a coffeemaker in each bedroom, but usually Thom and I had hosted the morning brew-up. Sometimes Harry and Sam made a pot and we went over there, but not often. Thom and I were the early birds of the four of us and so we usually got things rolling. In return, Sam and Harry had frequently brought over a pound of some exotic beans that they had seen in the market, or a b ox of granola bars. It worked out great, since it gave us all a period to fully awaken and to talk quietly and privately between just the four of us before going to the clamor of the dining hall. things are shifting now of course, since we exchanged roommates, although it seems that this bedroom is still the morning coffee area.

I woke up early on that Thursday morning, thinking at first I had pissed in my pants, and then the events of the night before rushed back and I grinned in spite of myself. “He had said ‘I love you’… and I told him that I loved him… I do… How did this happen?… I’ve never felt like this before!… oh, gods in heaven… I love this boy so much!” I thought as I looked at him in the dim light, sleeping peacefully, the long dark eyelashes resting on his cheeks, I knew that a morning’s growth of his beard shadowed his chin.

The semen hadn’t exactly dried over night, and my underpants were still damp, and by now a little cool. It wasn’t an erotic feeling anymore like when our sperm had been fresh and hot and very liquid. Now I just had a wet crotch and I didn’t think that I smelled very nice either!

At some point during the night Harry must have gotten cold, because we were covered by a light blanket that is usually on his bunk. I gently lifted my side and started to get up, and Harry stirred and reached towards me. He managed to grip my wrist and pulled me back against his body and wrapped his arms around me.

“And just where d’ya think you’re goin’?” He croaked.

“I need to wash off a little Buck… my pants are pretty smelly.” I whispered. He stuck his head under the blanket and inhaled.

“You been fuckin’ some guy while I been asleep?” He whispered, and shook me gently and I knew he was in the mood to play. “In just a few days together you’ve learned to read his moods Jeff… you know the signals he gives off when he’s aroused or horny… Jeff, face it dude, you got a serious case of ‘The Harrys’” I thought. I turned into him.

“Yes!” I said. “This huge and muscular dynamite cute studly butch boy with hairy legs and a monster cock had his way with me last night!… He didn’t even let me get my underpants down before he spewed all over me!”

“Why’d y’let ‘em do that to ya?” He whispered.

“’Cause I’m so in love with him I can’t think straight.” I whispered back.

“Uh huh… there y’go again sayin’ all the right things… know what he wants now?” He asked softly. He pushed his groin against me, and I felt his hardness. My own cock had been plumping up steadily, and was hard by then as well.

“No, what?” I said, and giggled into his shoulder.

“He wants a repeat.” Harry breathed into my ear, and he pushed me over onto my back and reached down. “Jeeze… it’s still wet!” He sounded amazed.

“I just tol’ya that! Some of it dried but the cloth’s still damp.” I said. “Y’know, we both pumped some serious loads into my underpants last night!” He let go of my package and hooked his thumb into the waistband and pulled it down and under my scrotum. The briefs were tight to begin with, and the stretch elastic now held my whole package up and out. The skin of the scrotum was stretched over my balls; and he brushed his fingers over the hairy sack and moved back to my cock.

“Even in the dark you’re the sexiest boy I’ve ever seen.” He whispered. “You even smell like sex!”

“How can you see me in the dark!?” I whispered. He lightly traced all the contours and outlines of my privates again with his finger tips.

“Braille.” He said, and we smothered laughs. I heard some fumbling sounds from his own crotch, and then reached over to feel him and he’d pulled his erection through the fly vent on the front of his own briefs. I noticed his were a little damp as well, probably from leakage over the night from his cum; those last little dribbles of semen that keep coming out of us. It was really hot feeling him up; half in his underpants and half out. I wondered why I’d never known another boy who had this underpants, jock straps, Speedos and tight clothing eroticism going on! It really was a turn on, and it was so different from anything I’d ever experienced! He climbed on top of me and settled his cock next to mine. I know rubbing against each other is kind of elementary gay sex, but I like it, and he likes it apparently, and I really got off on feeling another boy’s pubic bush and mine mashed together with cocks leaking onto our bellies. I guess every boy is different in what turns him on. “Who d’you think you’re kidding? Who? You think everything is a turn on lately as long as it’s with Harry.” The Voice asked, but in a nicer way than it usually does.
His hands ran up the sides of my body, and then through the patches of hair under my arms. And then up my arms to my wrists, which he clasped and then held above my head. He lay on me and moved just enough to let me know he was aroused. We made out a while.

“I’m not too heavy am I Burr?” He asked.

“No… hell are y’kidding?… I love t’feel you on me like this… I love how you take charge sometimes and just… I dunno… I feel like I’m powerless and you’re gonna have your way with me… and do whatever y’want t’me… Buck, you absolutely drive me crazy I want you so bad… y’could do anything y’wanted to me… I love you so much Buck!”

“There are times…” He whispered against my lips, and his tongue flicked out and probed between us. “…when I think I could cum just lookin’ at ya!”

“You just like me in tight underpants!” I teased and wiggled my hips, as much as I could wiggle my hips under his weight.

“When I opened my eyes last night… an’ you were standin’ there with the light on you… Burr every hair on your body looked like it was spun from gold… it was incredible.” He said.

“An’ I saw you, and the way y’were lookin’ at me… all lusty and wanting me…” I said. The our lips found each other’s again, and talking ceased.

We started rocking against each other then, getting into a mutual rhythm. The combined smells of our lovemaking of last night, and the musk from our crotches and underarms made me so hot I knew I wasn’t going to last long. That’s another thing that gets me off. How a boy smells. I’m not talking about really nasty body odor or cheesy stuff, but clean sweat and some underarm musk and some sweaty musk from around his balls… those really get me going. He was softly grunting into my neck and panting, and the grip on my wrists was getting tighter. I knew I was totally turning on my man, and I totally loved it. He bit the lobe of my ear, and kissed my neck and up towards my mouth. Our tongues met and lips were nibbled and sucked, and we were locked in a kiss when I went over the edge and creamed all over both of our bellies. “Buck!” I cried. “See what you do to me?…. I can feel all your hair rubbin’ on my cock… I can’t hold my cum when I’m lovin’ you… you’re my Buck stud… now cum all over me!”

“I’m almost there Burr… almost there…” He said into my mouth. His face moved back to my neck. A few more minutes of thrusting onto me and he let go of my wrists and like lightening put his arms under me and held my shoulders and heaved hard two or three times and grunted and I thought he’d crush the breath out of me as he unloaded his balls into the gooey mess already down there. “Oh, God… I love you so much… I can’t believe you make me feel this way Burr… my blond boy… God this feels so good…” He muttered as he kept pumping on me.

At last he was still, and our panting returned to normal breathing, and our cocks deflated a bit still pressed between us. He raised and lowered his torso and there was a soft squishing sound from the nether regions.

“Well…” He said laconically, “…it’s really messy and wet down there now!” He smothered another giggle, and I followed, and then we laughed, and he raised himself up and down rapidly a few more times… squish… squish… squish. We dissolved into a laughing fit and had to bury our face in his pillow “Let’s just get up and shower ahead of those two and do some early studying.” He said. “It’s nearly six-thirty anyway.” So we got up and in the light of a single desk lamp we were indeed very messy and wet “down there” and we peeled off the underpants and went into the bathroom. We closed and locked the door into their bedroom so we could have a little privacy and so the noise of the water might be less intense and not wake them up. We showered quickly and dried off and then unlocked their door again, and went into our bedroom. We dressed in fresh underwear and got into some reading for the half hour until everyone woke up next door.

Sam was all curiosity about why we’d taken a shower already and were only shaving and brushing teeth when the two of them awoke. We just said that we both needed a shower, and we were awake, so we took one. That didn’t satisfy Sam. He asked point blank if we had been “fucking all night.” Harry turned to him.

“No… Not all night, no.” He said matter-of-factly. “There was a brief period of sleep in between… very brief!” Sam laughed and again I noticed that Thom wasn’t saying anything.

We finished in the bathroom and went into our own rooms, everyone dressed and they came over for the coffee. Thom wanted to hurry and get to the dining hall to meet up with Jackie. Sam glanced briefly at me and shrugged his shoulders. Thom left ahead of us, which was very odd since before then we’d always walked over together.

On the way to the dining hall Sam teased us a little bit about “fucking most of the night.” Then, out of the blue he said; “What y’said about makin’ choices and makin the wrong choices to please other people… that really got to Thom.”

“Good.” I said. “It was aimed at him… but you should listen too Sam…” I said.

“Hey… dudes… what y’all get into is great… and fuckin’ around sometimes with y’all is fun… but I’m straight.” Sam protested.

I looked right at him. “As the man said ‘So’s spaghetti ‘til ya heat it up!’” I said, and Harry laughed, to Sam’s obvious annoyance. We walked along in silence for a few paces. “Y’know Sam… if y’were gay… or if y’were really bisexual and mostly liked boys… I think your family would be okay with it.”

“How the hell d’ya know that?” He asked.

“Over Labor Day… when we were doin’ the fence… an’ your uncle and granddad were there, remember?” Sam nodded. “Couple of little things your uncle said… about the history of the bunkroom… an’ things not changin’ with boys… how they used to skinny dip too… I dunno… I got some vibes.”

“You’re crazy.” Sam stated. “He’s not gay… he’s been married for like a bezillion years and he’s got grandkids!”

“Sam… I’m not sayin’ either of ‘em is gay… I’m sayin’ that I get the idea that they suspect somethin’ is goin’ on between all of us… how close we are… we practically admitted we roam around the place naked when they’re not there… I think they’d be cool with it if it came out we were gay.” I said.

Sam shook his head. “Well it’ll never come up ‘cause I’m not gay.”

I stopped and they stopped and looked at me. “Sam… please listen to me okay?” I said seriously. “You say you like girls… and that’s fine… and you like messin’ around with boys… and that’s fine… but as your friend I’m tellin’ you that from where I’m sittin’ y’like boys a hell of a lot more than y’like girls… I’m just sayin’ Sam… I’m just sayin’… don’t go settin’ yourself up for a lifetime of second guessin’ yourself.”

“Whatdaya mean ‘second guessing myself’?” He asked, but I noticed he was serious too and not being flippant or argumentative.

“Let’s say y’decide to go with Carly… maybe down the road get married… y’know half the marriages end in divorce so it’s iffy t’start with… but then y’go and add in this bisexuality thing and you’re gonna end up tearing yourself in half ‘cause girls are never gonna be enough Sam… I know this ‘cause I know enough older dudes who made the mistake of getting’ married to a girl when they really wanna sleep with guys… I’m jus’ sayin’ be sure the decision y’make is your decision and not somethin’ you’re doin’ t’please somebody else… like Thom’s doin’.” Sam looked at me, then to Harry and back to me. He was quiet for a few seconds.

“If I told ya I don’t know… is that a good enough answer?” He asked.

“Sam… I’m not expectin’ an answer here dude… It’s not me you have t’answer to… you gotta answer to yourself… you gotta be sure your needs are getting’ filled… jus’ remember this okay… somethin’ drew us all together… four different guys with four different majors and four other sets of friends… but two sets of roommates managed to grow tight together… when Thom and I met you two I knew… Sam I knew you guys were different from the others… I knew you and saw through you before you guys got to be friends… and Sam I’m gonna say this even if you deny it… you knew us too… that’s what drew all us guys t’gether… because we knew you, and you knew us as friends and comrades, and we all knew each other for what we are… and for what we wanted…”

“Burr…” Harry started to say stopped and shook his head. “Burr… you gotta write some a’this stuff down man… that’s intense!”

Sam just looked at me. “Let’s just take this a day at a time, okay?” He said with a resigned voice. “I feel sorry for him, knowing what internal turmoil he must be going through. Guys grow up hearing the words “queer” and “faggot” and “gay” as being the ultimate insults, and we’d rather be anything but that… then suddenly a mental wall comes down here, and another mental wall falls over there, and you jump over the abyss of your own fears and find yourself having sex with another guy, and equally suddenly you realize it’s what you’ve always wanted even before you knew what you were seeking… Sam’s almost ready to face things, I feel sure of that. But what would that mean for Thom? Thom feels safe with Sam; not pressured to have sex even though it’s what Thom really wants. Is this more of Thom’s mental baggage that he wants to be asked and begged to have sex with a guy? Is he that needy? What about Jackie? Should a real friend stand by and let Thom make a huge mistake? Is it a mistake? Maybe Thom only had sex with guys out of desperation… I was his first real big-time sexual partner and was that just because he was so desperate for a male friend, a male role model? How in hell can I live up to being a role model for somebody? I wish that life came with a game plan and set of instructions!” These and more thoughts raced through my head as we continued walking towards breakfast.

Thom was over with the girls, and they waved to us and we joined them. Marcie made sure she was so close to me that she had to be touching some part of me constantly. It was started to get annoying to be honest. I wish she would just listen to me when I say I’m not interested in this. “Well… she reaches in and feels you up, and you go all hard in her hand… so what’s she supposed to think?” The Voice was in a bitchy mood that morning. In a Bette Davis voice no less. “And ya didn’t walk away or stop her that second time did ya? Did ya?”

“We’re gonna start the job right after our last classes on Friday.” I said. “Harry and I will be there first and then the other two. We’ll get the money from the ladies and head to Home Depot and get the wood and paint and other stuff. Harry and I are gonna start the steps Friday night and keep workin’ as long as we can with drop lights.” They nodded.

“The ladies have two step ladders in the garage that should be perfect for the high stuff on the porch. I saw ‘em when we were lookin’ over the car.” I added. “An’ they got the extension ladder too so one of us can to the high stuff outside the porch along the eaves.”

“Yes boss.” Thom said, and I really didn’t like the tone of voice.

“Yeah, well, nobody else is takin’ any leadership with this… and havin’ a plan beats just showin’ up an’ standin’ around with y’finger in your ass… doesn’t it?” I said.

Harry looked at Thom. “We’ll prob’ly still be getting’ the stuff when you guys get there… so if y’could just get the ladders and two putty knives and start the porch ceiling.”

“Fine… whatever.” Thom said. He got up and walked over to the coffee bar, and I followed.

“If you’re mad at me… for whatever reason… no matter what it is… you need to talk to me about it… you won’t talk to a counselor who could really help you… so you gotta talk to somebody and it might as well be me… all this anger that’s killin’ ya in slow stages has t’come out sooner or later.” I said in and undertone standing right next to him.

“Whatdya know about it?” He looked at me “You a shrink now too?”

“Jus’ for the record okay?… we’re your friends in case y’forgot that… your friends… an’ when we see you tearin’ yourself apart over somethin’ then we hurt too… an’ when you shut us out it hurts even worse…” I said and turned and walked back to the table. We all grabbed backpacks and laptop cases and got to class. I walked part of the way with Jackie of all people.

“We’re gonna owe you guys big time for all this work.” She said.

“Yeah, and they have very high expectations of how that debt is gonna be repaid.” I said. “Oh, gods, when will I learn!… Shut the fuck up Jeff!” I thought.

“It sounds like you don’t.” She said. “You used ‘they’ and not ‘we’ when you said that.”

“I have no expectations other than you girls are gonna be making four killer homemade suppers for us, and somehow you are gonna be providing beer… other than your gratitude and food… I have no expectations.” I said and she laughed.

“I think Marcie would love it if you had some expectations of your own.” She said, and it dawned on me she was no dummy, and she knew from the get-go what ‘expectations’ meant.

“She’ll have to be disappointed then.” I said. “Right now, I just don’t need or want the complications of a girlfriend… it’s not her… or any of you… it’s just I don’t want to sign over the title to my life to a girl right now.”

“How come you guys switched roommates?” She asked. It threw me off guard. “I thought you guys were like brothers.”

“You mean Thom and I were like brothers? I said, and she nodded. “We’re still best friends….it’s just he and I are going in slightly separate directions right now, and Harry is going more in my direction… the way I’m headed, y’know?” We walked a few paces. “An’ with the Chrysler now… Thom and Sam aren’t at all interested in the old car… an’ people change…”

“Thom can be high maintenance… “Jackie said, testing the waters. “I guess he can be hard to live with…” She continued.

“He’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known.” I said. “And he’s one of my best friends. He’s very easy to live with.”

She laughed this high tinkling laugh. “Shit Jeff, Thom could kill babies an’ eat ‘em and you’d still say he was a great guy.”

“Ah ha, so that’s why he was tearing recipes out of the magazine!” I said and that made her laugh harder. She slipped her arm through mine and leaned against me as we walked along.

“So…” She said. “…what’s her name?”

“Madam, to whom do you allude?” I said in my best English butler voice.

“Well Marcie can’t get you interested in her even practic’ly jerkin’ y’off on the beach… and you don’t hang around with other girls… so what’s the name of the girl at home?” Jackie asked.

“Maria Magdalena Zapfenstreich.” I said.

“God, what a name!” Jackie said wonderingly. “She foreign?”

“Ruritanian.” I said.

“How’d ya meet her?” She persisted. “You should be ashamed!” Said The Voice. “It’s like shooting ducks in a barrel…She has no clue about Ruritania… that went completely over her head… she’ll spend hours trying to remember the name of the country, and then if she does and she Googles it you’re up shit’s creek!… Jeeze when will you learn!”

“She was an exchange student and decided to do college here.” I said. “Mother of Odin, would this girl never stop?” I thought.

“What’s she like?” Jackie, oblivious to my curt answers plowed right ahead.

“A nice girl.” I said.

“Oh, c’mon, what’s she like?”

“Gods! Okay! She’s a Nordic Goddess… she has long legs, perfect breasts, blonde hair and eyes the color of the Baltic in August… her father was the Ruritanian ambassador, she gives the best blow jobs I’ve ever had and she loves to fuck all night long and is there anything else you need to know about her?” I said, my voice rising at the end.

“Well there’s no need to go ballistic about it, shit!” Jackie pouted. “An’ lots a’girls give really nice blow jobs!” “Yikes, anything’s liable t’come outta this girls mouth… well lemme tell ya somethin’ honey… according to a private independent source your blow jobs are nothin’ t’get excited about!”

“I’m sure they do Jackie.” I said, and hoped it would end the conversation, but no, we had to continue.

“I bet Marcie would love t’give you one!” She teased.

This stopped me in my tracks. “Ah, Jackie, if Marcie would love to give me a blow job, I’m sure she wouldn’t want you telling guys about it.”

“I don’t tell guys… I’m tellin’ you!” Jackie said. We resumed our progress towards class. “An’ I bet Marcie fucks better than Mary Ziffelpickel or whatever her name is!”

“Zapfenstreich Jackie… her name is Zapfenstreich.” I said. “An’ can we please find another topic of conversation? I’m totally not interested in the comparative fucking abilities of Marcie and Maria Magdalena!”

“How come Thom was bein’ so shitty at the table?” She asked, switching directions yet again.

“’Cause he needs to get blown and get fucked all night long?… All of the above?…None of the above?… shit Jackie, I dunno… I just don’t know.” Which at the time, was the literal truth. I knew that if Harry and I had gone over to their room and watched the DVD, it would have ended with all of us getting it on with each other, and Thom would have been right in the thick of it. And ten minutes later he would have been in another mood and feeling guilty. “Y’know… with my course load and doin’ this work for you girls… and the antique car… and all the other shit goin’ on… I can’t be everybody’s psychologist…” I told her.

Fortunately, that’s where she had to change course to her own class building so that conversation died. I was walking away from her and I had to laugh at myself… poor Maria Magdalena… her reputation in tatters at my hands. And her being from such a distinguished diplomatic family too!

Classes went through the day. I updated my journal periodically, Sam and Harry joined me for lunch with Thom assumed to be off with Jackie, and I wrote some of this, and then came dinner with Harry. The other two were nowhere to be found and had left no note. After dinner Harry and I camped in the library for the evening to get away from the usual distractions of the dorm; guys and girls wandering around, and in and out of rooms, and the noise, and I think we both just wanted to be off by ourselves for a while. We found one of those corners with armchairs and settled in and propped our stocking feet up on the huge flat ottoman and played toe tag when nobody was around. I got a lot of studying done and the outline of another paper started. It was a good evening. About eleven Harry stretched and looked over at me. Okay, I admit it. When he stretches his tee shirt rides up sometimes, and if you’re looking you get a glimpse of furry tummy, and since I like furry tummies, I always look.

“Whatcha thinkin’?” he asked with his sideways look and devilish grin.

I looked around to be sure nobody was within hearing distance. “I really feel like fuckin’ you … like right now!” I said softly. He leaned over towards me.

“Great idea… and I feel like gettin’ fucked… let’s go.” He said, and we were packed and out the door in record time. The lights were on in the next room but we didn’t stop to give them any attention. We dumped books and laptops and locked the bathroom door, and started peeling each other’s clothes off. When we were naked, I turned to the small bureau to get the condoms and lube, and when I’d turned back he was on his hands and knees on the quilt. Gods, I nearly dropped my load right there just looking at the view! The backs of his thighs, and the fur line leading up to his perineum, and the furry balls hanging down, and the fur across his ass…. Luscious.

“We tryin’ a new position here?” I asked with a grin. He looked around.

“Woof! Woof!” He said, and we broke up laughing.

I plopped some goo onto his asshole and worked it into him with the fingers of my right hand and played with his hydraulics through his legs with the left one. I got on a condom, and got into position, and there was a knock on the bathroom door.

“Occupied!” Harry hollered, and the knocking ceased. But I had the strangest feeling that one of them, maybe both of them, were still there listening. Weird feeling! But not weird enough to stop us from what we’d set out to do. I started stroking into him and then had to reach around him to play with him. I was hot for it, and wanted him so bad… I only lasted about ten minutes, and only managed that long because I stopped and restarted a few times when I was getting too close. But the sight of the muscles flexing and the little blush of downy hair he has on the small of his back kept me hot. And him whispering stuff like how big my cock is and hot much he likes me fucking him, and he could feel my balls hitting his… y’know, you can only take so much! So I finally let myself go over the edge and spermed off a nice load into the rubber. I pulled out after taking a few post-cum strokes, and told him to stay just where he was. I got the rubber into some tissues and the trashcan, and then laid down on my back between his legs and slithered under him.

There was a droplet of seminal fluid hanging off the tip of his dick and I quickly lapped that off and then I stopped at his balls first, and flicked my tongue up and tickled them, getting them wet enough to suck. While I laved his sack his cock was bouncing on my face and leaving little snail trails of precum all over me. Gods I love sucking boy’s balls, especially hairy ones like Harry’s. I licked up the soft underside of his dick and sucked on the head for a while, then gradually worked down the shaft and started sucking him off for real. It seemed like we were both on short fuses that night, ‘cause he blew sperm in my mouth pretty soon. It was an odd angle to get a mouthful and it made me gag just a little when he thrust down and a jet of semen flowed out at the same time. It was just that much too much in the back of my mouth at once. I wonder if there are any exercises to relax a gag reflex? Ummm… getting to the point where I can let Harry fuck my throat and pull out enough to cum on my tongue! Worth trying.

We decided the floor was really much too hard to sleep on, so we pulled our mattresses down and created a double bed. If you double fold a heavy quilt, and then tuck the edges far under the sides of the mattresses it keeps them together overnight and the crack between the two halves doesn’t bother you. Once we’d got the bed arranged we went into the bathroom for evening ablutions, and Sam stuck his head around their door frame.

“Seen Thom?” He asked. Harry and I glanced at each other.

“Did y’call Jackie?” Harry asked.

“No answer.” Sam said.

“There’s your answer right there.” Harry said. “That girl sleeps with that phone and if she’ not answerin’ then she’s busy doin’ somethin’ else with her mouth!”

I laughed and gave them a bare-bones idea of the conversation I’d had with Jackie that morning. “Maybe he’s gettin’ a down payment on his expectations!” I said. Sam looked exasperated and said he was going to bed and “that little mutherfucker better not wake my ass up comin’ in!”

So much for Thursday.

 

One reader sent an hilarious note with a question about “morning breath” and why I never mention that. Basically, if you have a balanced and healthy diet with your bowels moving regularly, and if you don’t smoke, and if you floss twice a day and brush your teeth at least twice a day, your breath isn’t really all that bad in the mornings. But Thom and I had used, and now Harry and I both use those Listerine dissolving strips before we start making out if we feel frisky in the morning. That has been one of those non-erotic details I’ve omitted. Like popping a daily vitamin pill, or taking a dump, or paring toenails. So Jason, I hope that answers that!   

Running in place.

Readers, friends, everyone… I know that I’m behind on the daily postings, and I know I’m seriously behind on answering email traffic. Please bear with me. This has been a very busy week; first the long weekend of carpentry and painting, then the stress of mid-terms last week and this week, plus the mind-boggling thing that’s happened between Harry and me, plus some on-going stress with Thom.

September ends with a new beginning… Harry and I say “I love you” for the first time… and mean it.

 

Wednesday evening started out fairly ordinary, and then became one of those nights I’ll remember when I’m ninety.

We all went to dinner together as we always do. Sam and Thom were talking about having studied with the girls the previous evening, and how much fun they had. We told them about the hilarious escapade at the pharmacy. Sam said if the clerk was a student here it would be all over campus in a matter of days that my nickname was Pencil Dick.

Thom was pointedly talking about Jackie, and about dating her again. I wondered if he was trying to rub my nose in something, and decided just as quickly not to let it worry me. All that is water under the bridge, even though I know in my soul we’re not “done with it” yet. I want him to be happy and told him so. I said that he and I had tried things together and he decided he wasn’t into those things as much as he’d thought, and we had to go on from there with our friendship intact.

I had never shied away from using the word love with the other three, and I used it again that night. I said we four loved one another in a brotherly, fraternal way, and some of us had deeper feelings for some others. Harry said that he and I were moving towards something deeper and he felt good about it. Sam nodded, but I noticed Thom was not saying anything.

We talked a lot about the upcoming weekend, which would be our porch repair and painting weekend. We got some labor allocations made; Sam and Thom would start scraping the porch ceiling and Harry and I would do the carpentry work on the stairs and around the edge of the floor. The talk turned to the girls, and what they were going to provide. It was obvious from some of the comments Sam and Thom were making that they had hopes of the girls providing “sexual rewards” for their labors. Harry questioned the reality of their hopes.

“Y’mean y’won’t take anything from Lillian if she offers it?” Sam asked Harry.

“I dunno… Lillian’s a nice girl and when we were datin’ she made things pretty clear it wasn’t goin’t’be real physical. Nothin’ much happened with us.” Harry said, and the looked at me. “You and Marcie still just friends?”

“Only friends.” I said. “She keeps hinting that she’d sleep with me, but girls just don’t do it for me.”

Harry sighed. “They don’t do much for me anymore either.” He said quietly. “I’m not sure they ever did.”

“So you made your choice huh? Sam asked.

Harry shook his head. “Not a choice dude.”

“Sure it’s a choice.” Thom said, a little too emphatically. It was obvious at that point that he’d either come to some decision about himself or arrived at a personal turning point and made his choice. I stopped worrying about it.

“No… it isn’t!” Harry said firmly. “Y’all forgot all that stuff Jeff told us… about guys not choosin’ but discoverin’ who they are… that’s what happened to me.” He paused for a long breath. “That’s what I discovered about myself over the summer.”

“Bullshit man, guys just don’t ‘suddenly discover’ they’re gay man!” Thom said.

“It wasn’t sudden… I think I’ve been headin’ in is direction for a while… back in school lookin’ at guys more than girls… it creeps up on ya.” Harry said.

“So over the summer what? Y’got laid by some dude and discovered you’re gay?” Thom said.

“Y’know that’s not true… I told y’all about this… Jesus! It was just right…it felt right…” Harry said. We were quiet and just ate for a while.

“I think we need to just step back from all this, okay?” I said. “I do think some guys are faced with a choice… not a choice about whether they’re gay or straight… but the choice is whether they ignore all the signs… and ignore their real desires and needs because they think it’s what other people want them to do.” I looked directly at Thom when I said that. He blushed. “We switched roommates and got things to where Thom is comfortable with a new arrangement… let’s just be friends together and you two…” I pointed to Sam and Thom, “…need to understand that Harry and I are getting into a deeper relationship.”

“So… like what’s that mean?” Sam asked.

“It means I’m Jeff’s boyfriend… there… satisfied?” Harry said, and I swear my heart jumped out of my chest and flew around the ceiling. The other two just looked at us.

“You guys… look you’re not comin’ out or nothin’ right?” Sam asked. “Look… y’know everybody knows all of us are tight… dudes if you guys come out y’know how people talk…”

“And so you have a perfect reason to tell people why we all switched rooms.” I interrupted him. “Not that you have to worry… Harry and I aren’t gonna be holdin’ hands in public or anything like that.”

“Look… I think it’s cool you guys wanna be together…. It’s totally cool with me…” Sam began.

“Me too.” Thom interjected.

“… but you know how people are… I mean you know how it is… we’ve all been too close for too long…” Sam continued, then fell silent.

“I’m not goin’ t’do anything that’s gonna make you ashamed to be my friend… you know me better than that Sam…” Harry said quietly. “Nobody knows anything more than we tell ‘em… you know that too…”

Sam had the grace to look sheepish and embarrassed. “I know.” He mumbled.

We talked a little more about the porch job and then went back to the dorm. Those two went into their room and Harry and I got down to briefs and tees and got comfortable on the floor on a pad of quilts and blankets. We shifted positions every so often but always there was some part of our bodies touching. His head on the small of my back as a pillow, or my head on his abs, and a few times we were lying on our sides facing each other over open books, and our feet were doing a little intimate dance together at the bottom of the padding.

Just past eleven there was a knock on the bathroom door jamb and Sam stuck his head around the frame. He held up and waved the DVD with the two boys and two girls . It was the same one that we used to watch to get in the mood for circle jerks. “Anybody interested?” He asked.

Harry and I looked at each other, and we both looked sort of amazed. Harry shook his head in bewilderment. They had just finished talking about how into girls they were, and how straight they were, and now we’re being invited to a circle jerk again?? More than a circle jerk?? It was just too bizarre.

“I’m not.” Harry said. He reached up the leg of my briefs and fondled my privates. “No need.”

“Yeah… I’ll pass too… but you guys enjoy!” I said brightly. Sam looked very disconcerted.

“Huh… uh… we.. ah… we thought you guys might wanna join us… y’know… maybe get the blankets on the floor again or somethin’?… Sam said. “Kinda get into it with each other like before?”

“Nah… we got each other here… we’re kinda into each other now Sam…” Harry said, and squeezed the hydraulics, which immediately responded to such friendly treatment and the plumbing grew rock solid.

“Oh…we just thought… y’know when we talked about stuff an’ changed rooms… y’all said to come over if we wanted t’play sometime… “ Sam stammered.

“True” I said “We said that… but maybe t’night Harry and I need a little time just for us… y’know we’re still tryin’ things out over here… settling into this with each other… okay?”

“Yeah… okay… well so… um… I guess g’night.” Sam mumbled and backed out of the room.

“’Night!” Harry and I said nearly in unison. He turned to me.

“I just can’t fuckin’ believe those two!” He whispered fiercely. “Tellin’ us about how straight they think they are and then the next minute they’re ‘round here sniffin’ at our asses like dogs.”

I shut my book and laid is aside, and then gently took the book he’d been reading from his hands, and laid it on mine and turned to him. I held his left hand in both of mine and looked into those amazing blue eyes of his.

“At dinner… you told them that you are Jeff’s boyfriend.” I said in nearly a whisper speaking very clearly and distinctly. “Buck… I need to know if you were serious when you said that.”

He held my eye contact, and I saw him swallow and he blinked a few times. “More than serious Burr.” He whispered back. He reached up and peeled off his tee shirt, and then pulled mine off as well, and then my briefs and then his own. We lay there naked, and hard with desire just looking into each other’s eyes. He pushed me down onto my back, and lay over me, wrapping his arms around me and our lips met gently. He placed his hand on my chest and brushed the down, and his thumb teased my nipple.

“Blond boys always caught my eye first… back in school or at the beach… or swimming…” He whispered against my lips. “Back in school…I didn’t know what I was looking for… or could even think why I was looking at boys… or understood about myself… but somehow… in the back of my mind… I had this ideal guy in my mind.” He moved his hand down to my privates and cupped my balls. “He would be smart… and funny… and good looking and athletic… and we would do stuff together… and be best friends… and then we would share this…” And as he said that he kissed me again, deeper this time, and held my cock and rubbed the ball of his thumb across the head smearing around the precum leaking out of me. We kissed and he fondled me for a few minutes. “Burr…. if I could have invented the perfect guy for myself he’d look just like you do… and talk just like you do… and walk and act like you do… and have you’re sense of humor and fun… he’d be you.”

I brushed the backs of my fingers through the patch of hair in the center of his chest, and down his treasure trail. “I fell the same way Buck.” I kissed him. “When our eyes met in that garage… like we both knew how we felt about each other… ” I said. We kissed a little more. “When you took me in the bathroom that time… when you just couldn’t hold back and you wanted me so much… Buck that was the most amazing feeling… that you wanted me… and you needed me like that… it was so awesome.”

We made out for a long time, hands brushing through the hair on our bodies, and holding each other’s privates and gently playing around with each other. “I can’t believe how smart you are… and how built you are… brains and a body to die for…  Buck, I swear… everything about you turns me on… and I still can’t get over how we almost know what the other guy is thinkin’… and what he’s gonna say… ” He hushed me with his lips pressed to mine again, and our tongues continued their dance.

“If you shut your eyes, I have a surprise for you!” I said softly. He obediently closed his eyes, and I slithered out from under him. “Keep ‘em closed! No fair peeking!” Once I knew he liked underwear and briefs, and Speedos and jock straps I had zoomed into a few stores and got some 2xist and A&F tight and skimpy briefs. I put a pair on and stood so the light from the table lamp cut across my body and he could see the shadows of my muscles and my cock outlined in the briefs. “Open!” I said, and when he saw me he just stared. He stared for a long time, and I slowly turned back and forth, so the light played across me. I raised my arms and linked my hands behind my head, and thrust my pelvis forward. He sort of drew a sharp breath.

“Those are brand new aren’t they” He whispered. I nodded. “You bought ‘em just ‘cause you knew I’d think they are hot on you… and I’d get off seein’ y’in them, didn’t ya?”  I nodded again. I walked over towards him, and dropped my hands to my groin and pulled the material even tighter around my swollen cock. I knew he could see my balls outlined in the pouch too. “You like lookin’ at me like this?” I asked and cocked my head and grinned at him.

“Lay on me… leave ‘em on and lay on me.” He croaked. He stretched out on his back, and I positioned myself over his body so our cocks would be side by side and lowered my torso onto him. At once his arms were around me and his mouth was on mine. His hands went to the swell of my glutes and he cupped them and pulled me up and down on himself. I marveled again at the strength of him!

Then he did a strange thing. He reached between us, and moved our bodies so that he could insert his cock under the leg seam of the briefs, and up against my pubic hair. He pulled me back onto himself fully, and we started moving again. After perhaps three of four minutes, he moaned, and I felt the warm wetness of his semen squirting all over me inside the underpants. His sperm made things so slick in there that I could hardly bear the sensations. A few more thrusts against him and I was cumming into my underpants too. The force of my orgasm made me weak, and I collapsed totally on top of him. After a few moments to recover and get my breathing back to normal I pushed up onto my elbows and looked into his eyes. I could feel his still-hard cock throbbing against my belly, sliding around in the wetness.

“That was one a’the hottest things I’ve ever done.” I whispered, and kissed him.

He hugged me and then moved his hands and pushed me up and our eyes met. We held the gaze for a few heartbeats.

“When you bought those briefs… it was for me wasn’t it?” he again asked quietly.

“Yes.” I said. “I got a whole bunch of different kinds… really skimpy and tight… I ordered some Speedos and different jocks on line too… they’re not here yet.”

“But you did that because you knew I think guys in underpants are hot… you did that because I like t’look at guys like that?” He asked quietly again. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t understand that I’d do anything for him. Anything to please him. This feeling growing inside my heart was something new, and I’d never felt anything like it before. Not for my brothers and not for Thom. This was new, and exciting, and not a little scary.

“I just wanna please you Buck… that’s all.” I said equally quietly. There was another pause and we held eye contact.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you.” I whispered, and I knew it was the truth and I knew I meant it; and the final innermost chamber of my heart unlocked and opened for him.

I knew that had always held something back with Thom, whether out of fear or self-preservation, or what. I had sensed that Thom and I didn’t have a stable relationship, and although I had wanted to fall in love with Thom, and thought that I should fall in love with him, that never happened. He kept saying he was straight, and I wasn’t going to give my heart totally to a boy who was still hedging his bets with girls and who might walk out of my life at any moment; but with Harry, right then on the floor of our dorm room, I realized that I had fallen totally and completely in love with this huge beefy hairy stud of a boy.

 There was a long interval of tender kissing and murmuring against lips and then I pulled his cock from under the seam of the briefs and slid down his torso a bit and brushed my nose and lips through the center thicket of his chest hair.

“My body hair really gets y’goin’ doesn’t it!” He asked and hugged me tighter.

“If you only knew how much.” I licked and nibbled at his nipples one after the other, and did the face-in-the-chest-hair again. “Promise me you’ll never shave any of it… even if it grows on your back when we’re old… even if you start to look like gorilla…” I murmured against his chest. He snorted a laugh.

“There for a while, Lillian was tryin’ t’get me t’shave everything… even my legs.” He said.

I rested my cheek against him, and heard the strong beat of his heart. I put my fingertips into the dark recesses of his underarms and felt the thick bushes he has there. ”Marcie… y’know when she felt me up on the beach that time… she was all into tryin’ t’get me to shave too…. I dunno what’s with these girls… they want us t’look like little boys or somethin’.

“Yeah… weird… but nearly all the guys do it or at least trim their pubes down…” He hugged me again. “I’m glad you like me hairy.” I lay on him for a while, my cock nestled into his thighs just under his privates. “I can feel how wet your underpants are!” he laughed.

“I know… saturated!” I laughed. I went to get up and he held onto me. “Dude… I got two loads of stuff in these… I gotta rinse ‘em out.” He held me tighter.

“Sleep in ‘em all night?” He whispered against the top of my head and ran his hands over my back. “Please?”

“Oh man… Buck… shit the cum’s all over me down there man!” I humped his legs so he could feel the wetness again. “By tomorrow it’ll be totally funky… I’ll reek!”

“I know… it’s not funky it’s hot.” He said. “Well… maybe a little funky but massively hot.”

“Buck, if you want me lying on ya all night with cum-filled underpants, then I’ll do it… but it’s gonna get all crusty and nasty in my cock hair and all over the equipment… you’ll pro’lly have t’steam ‘em off me in the shower.” I laughed.

He hugged me tighter. “I can think a’worse jobs first thing in the mornin’!”

So I settled onto him, the way he likes me to lay on his body. I knew we wouldn’t end up that way but he likes to start the night with me between his legs and with my head pillowed on his chest.

After a long while, when I was almost asleep I heard a whisper as if from a great distance, “…even when we’re old?”

I nodded against his chest, and the soft beat of his heart at last lulled me to sleep.

 

Well…

There was a time when you thought your son was normal… …so you never worried!

Oh, he had his share of teenage crushes, what healthy boy doesn’t?

Remember how you used to think, “well boys will do boys” every time he dragged a hot number up to his bedroom after school?

Remember how you smiled when he changed one boyfriend for another so fast you barely learned their names?

But all that was normal! All the boys were doing that!

But then… overnight it seemed you noticed…

That he had become shy and reclusive.

That he kept secrets.

That all his friends had changed, and he never mentioned the old ones anymore.

Then he fell into a different crowd at school…

Guys like The Young Republicans…

…guys like The Christian Student League…

…guys like GodSquad!

When the picture on his bedroom wall changed from Madonna to Pope Benedict…

…you knew there was a serious problem!

But what can you do?

Send your son to us!

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On the contrary!

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